Borrowed Time by Azar Summary: Living on borrowed time is still living if you have someone to share it with. Notes: For Kristen K2 Written, if I remember correctly, for a holiday challenge/exchange at the Harem of X-Files Other Women Defenders. She still hadn't gotten used to the feeling that stole over her sometimes these days. Even though it had been five years since she'd finally gotten up the nerve to demand of her boss the truth behind the rumors surrounding Agent Mulder's disappearance. Even though it had been three years since he'd appeared at her door--distraught and dishonorably discharged from the Bureau, but alive--with the grim news on his lips that Agents Mulder and Scully were presumed dead, Agents Doggett and Reyes were missing, and the date was coming sooner than they'd ever dreamed. It would hit her most often when she was out in public--like now, wandering the aisles of the grocery store. One minute the faces of people around her, going about their everyday lives, would be a soothing presence. A lingering tie to the normality her life had lost years ago. The next, they would float in her vision like walking corpses and leave her fighting a compulsion to climb up on something in the middle of the store and scream at them. Didn't they realize that this way of life had an expiration date on it, that no amount of refrigeration would postpone? The faint, printed date on the carton of milk in her hands danced tauntingly in and out of focus. Sometimes the strangest things would trigger that moment of panic. Shaking it off with a silent scolding for the exaggerated metaphor, she droped her eyes to the basket. The feeling would pass. It always did. She'd seen too much in her life to believe there wasn't Someone Up There protecting the human race from itself. Too much to ever be completely hopeless. A quick relocation of a jar of curry powder made room for the milk as she rounded the corner, but was immediately rendered moot as she collided with someone in the aisle. The hapless milk carton exploded on impact, all over the front of her clothes. "Christ, I'm sorry!" a man's voice apologized. A rough hand whipped out a white cotton handkerchief and extended it to her. Suddenly distracted from the blast pattern of milk droplets decorating her chest, her eyes snapped in astonishment to the face that went with the voice her ears couldn't quite believe they were hearing. "Agent Doggett?" He looked at her for the first time, eyes rounding in shock. "Kimberly, right? From AD Skinner's office?" She accepted the handkerchief with a disbelieving little nod. "Need a little help with that?" "No, I've got it. You remembered my name." He smiled, blue eyes bright with amusement. "You're pretty hard to forget." A more expected compliment she probably could've resisted, but instead found her cheeks turning embarrassingly warm. Fortunately, he didn't seem to notice. "Lemme buy you another carton of milk." "I haven't paid for this one yet--" "Then I'll cover it too, if they decide to be unreasonable about it." Before she could object, he held up a staying hand. "Please. Two things my mom taught me were never swear in front of a lady, and always take responsibility for your own mistakes. Already broke one of those rules, don't make me break the other too." Kim grinned helplessly. "All right. But I was the one who wasn't looking where I was going, so let me do something to make it up to you." "You already have--you have no idea how long it's been since I've seen a familiar face." The petite redhead frowned. "What about Agent Reyes?" "Mexico. We decided it'd be better if she took care of her folks and coordinated things from down there, and it's easier for one person to disappear than two." "Then what are you doing in Atlanta?" "Monica's coverin' her home turf, I'm coverin' mine. What about you?" She sighed, bitter memories leaving their familiar, rancid taste on her tongue. "After Walter lost his job, I got offered a position with the SAC at the local field office. He insisted I take it, so I wouldn't get caught in the backlash of his fall. Plus...well, this is my turf too." "You're from around here?" Kim nodded. "Born and raised. You?" "Democrat Hot Springs. But we moved into the city after the spring dried up and people stopped comin'." He smiled. "Hey, can I buy you a cup of coffee or somethin'? I've got a lotta questions about what happened after Monica 'n I left. Always felt bad for leaving Skinner to walk into the lion's den alone." She hesitated, but the frank, hopeful look in his eyes was persuasive. "Sure. Just let me finish picking up the things I need for dinner tonight." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Doggett pleasantly surprised her by offering to take her home to drop off her groceries first, after she revealed that she'd walked the six blocks to the store. She shouldn't have been--she'd seen enough of the agent to know he could be a perfect Southern gentleman when he wanted to--but years of being ignored by agents who only wanted to talk to her boss had conditioned her not to expect such courtesy from one of them. He surprised her again when he paid for her coffee as well as his own: "This was my idea, I'll cover it," he insisted. And like a true gentleman, he also insisted on carrying both cups to the empty table they'd selected by the window. "So, when you said you were 'covering' your home turf...did you mean some sort of resistance?" she asked as they sat down. It was his turn to look surprised. "Somethin' like that--I'm still not a hundred percent convinced this threat is alien, but that doesn't make it any less of a threat." "Don't you ever feel guilty that you're basically working against your own government?" It was a thought that nagged at her once in a while--despite the frustration of wanting to do something and not being able to, despite her anger over how Walter had been "rewarded" for his years of faithful service, there was still that twinge of guilt over feeling so unpatriotic. "Not anymore--this country was founded on the idea that if the government doesn't serve its people, we have a responsibility to change it so it does." He had a point. She sipped at her latte with a discontented frown. "At least you are doing something to change things." Doggett looked surprised again. "Didn't Skinner contact you when we set up the network?" "No...don't look like that, Agent Doggett. He wanted to protect me, and I respect that." "Seems to me you're probably pretty capable of protecting yourself, or him for that matter," was the response, accompanied by another blush-inducing smile. "And call me John--I haven't been Agent or Doggett since I came back across the border." "You're using a false name?" He nodded. "Friend of some old friends of Mulder's set me up with it." Kim's eyes grew subdued at the mention of Agent Mulder. "I was sorry to hear about them, by the way. About Agents Mulder and Scully." He'd looked about to accept her sympathy until she mentioned their names, then a line of confusion appeared on the bridge of his nose. "What about Mulder and Dana?" "Why, that...I...Walter was told they were killed in New Mexico." The former agent blinked in surprise. "They were fine as of a week ago, last time I heard from 'em. They're the ones organizin' this 'resistance' as you called it." "Oh." Well, that was embarrassing. Why hadn't anyone told her? Why hadn't Walter called to tell her when he found out...? Then she remembered, with a twist of regret, what else she'd agreed to when she'd promised him she'd take the job in Atlanta. He didn't know her current number, didn't know where she lived. He hadn't wanted to--swore he wouldn't let her become a target on account of his choices. A sigh slipped out from between her lips. "Next time I let someone talk me into disappearing, remind me not to agree to cut all ties." He chuckled softly at the hint of sarcasm in her voice. "It's not much, and it probably won't be enough...but we had to try." "I wish there was something I could do." John eyed her thoughtfully, his piercing study sending a shiver along her veins. "Maybe there is. Honestly, we need all the help we can get, especially getting more people on our side. We need recruiters, people who can make others believe there's really a threat worth fighting. Marita Covarrubias is good at that, but she's workin' on the vaccine end of things right now and, from what I remember, you're a hell of a lot more diplomatic than Dana Scully's ever been." Kim flushed even deeper, her mouth forming an 'o' of surprise. No one had ever compared her to Agent Scully like that before, as if she were the one who should be envied. "You mean it?" "If you really want to be a part of this, yeah, I mean it. But I'll tell you right now, what we're doin' is dangerous. The forces we're fightin' are still a hell of a lot more powerful than we are, and what little security we have in secrecy can be ripped away at a moment's notice." "Agent--John...I may be a secretary, but I'm also a human being dealing with the possible extinction of her race. I can sit here and do nothing and wait for the end of the world, which I probably won't survive, or I can do everything in my power to help. Believe me, if it's between danger and certain doom...that's not a hard choice to make." He nodded. "Y'know...I think I owe you an apology." "For what?" "For not knowing better than to underestimate you. Shoulda known there's no such thing as 'just a secretary.'" Kim grinned impishly at him over her coffee. "I could've told you that." He laughed. "Thanks." "For accepting your apology?" "That...and for just comin' here with me. Answerin' my questions 'n all. It's been a long time since I just got to 'hang out' with someone." She nodded. "I've got my family in town, but if you're here under an assumed name...I can understand that would be lonely." "More than you know." An idea struck her, then. "Why don't you come over for dinner tonight? I've got a new curry recipe I want to try out, and my brother cancelled at the last minute." He looked at her warily, but his eyes were twinkling. "Curry? I don't know--can you cook?" She laughed. "John, my last name is Cook--if I couldn't, I'd never live it down." John grinned then. "All right. In the meantime, I'll see about puttin' you in touch with someone who can help you figure out where you fit in." "Thank you, really..." He shook his head, that same heart-stopping smile once again gracing his face. "I'm the one who should be thanking you." Chapter 2 "Were you in love with her?" In the past six months, one dinner had turned into a weekly ritual, a blissful moment of ordinariness in a week that was anything but. Whenever both of them were in town, nothing but the invasion coming early could've prevented them from keeping that new tradition. And gradually their dinner conversation had become more and more intimate. Both had missed having a confidante, and were only too happy to serve that purpose for each other. Tonight, they had retired to the couch in John's living room after the meal was finished and the dishes done. Much to Kim's delight, he always insisted on helping with the cleanup, even when they were at her place. "What?" he asked from one end of the sofa, turning so he could see her better. The question had come out of the blue, she knew that, but she also wasn't afraid to ask it anymore. "Were you in love with Agent Scully?" A moment of thought passed, then he shook his head against the cushions. "Nah. She was my partner--I felt responsible for her. And for her baby...I couldn't forget what it felt like to have my son torn away from me. I couldn't let that happen to someone else." She heard what he wasn't saying too--it had happened, in the end, and he hadn't been able to prevent it, because it was Scully's own choice. Kim couldn't imagine having to make that choice. "What about Agent Reyes?" John sighed deeply. "Monica and I...if things had gone differently, if we hadn't had to run...I don't know. Guess I never will." "I'm sorry." "Don't be." He smiled. "I had it all once...wife, kid, house in the suburbs...that's more than some people get." She nodded, her right hand instinctively massaging the empty finger on her left hand. She'd been married once too. Before he'd accused her of having an affair with Walter. Sometimes she thought she never wanted to try again, unable to believe that she'd misjudged her husband so badly. How could she have married such an irrationally jealous man without noticing that fault in him? "Do you ever wish you hadn't been assigned to the X-Files?" His laugh was curt and ironic. "All the time. But I wouldn't do anything differently. 'Cept maybe not object so much to Skinner wantin' to dig Mulder up." He sat up straighter then, looking her straight in the eyes. "What about you--do you regret gettin' involved in all this?" "I do and I don't," she admitted. "Sometimes I wish I didn't know...that I didn't have this fear of the future hanging over my head. But what I would lose by not knowing..." Her stomach fluttered unexpectedly as she met his eyes. "That I wouldn't give up for the world." God, how could any woman not drown in those eyes, or in the wonderful rough baritone of his voice? "Sounds like we feel the same, then." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Nah, Kim, I couldn't," John protested. "Why not? You say this is your home turf, but you're here under an assumed name and I never hear you talk about spending time with your family...so it's not like you have other plans." "You tellin' me if I go to your folks house for Christmas with you, your whole family isn't gonna assume you're bringin' home the new boyfriend?" he demanded, smiling in spite of himself. Kim laughed brightly. "Of course they are! That's half the fun." Blue eyes stared at her in mock scandal over the shelf full of teddy bears. "Kimberly Arlene Cook, are you just usin' me to get back at your family or somethin'?" "Would I do that?" When his grin broadened, she giggled. "Face it, John, you'd be terrible for that kind of revenge--you're every mother's dream son-in-law. If I really wanted to scare them, I'd be inviting Alex Krycek over for Christmas dinner." John's face sobered for a second with that last statement and he cast her a sideways, wondering look. She flushed, eyes dropping to the plush toy in her hands. "Okay, so that might be a little more difficult..." "Hey..." Before she looked up again, he was at her side, pulling her into a warm hug. "I actually liked him, you know," she confessed. "In spite of everything, I kept hoping...until...what he did to Walter...that I couldn't forgive. God knows, I might've shot him myself if I'd been there." "Then I'm glad you weren't." Letting go with some reluctance, she tightened her grip on the white bunny with its Santa hat and gave him a grateful smile. "So are you coming or aren't you?" John grinned in relief, the teasing tone suddenly back in his voice. "What the hell--not like I've got anything better to do. Just promise me one thing..." "What's that?" "Don't you dare abandon me to your brothers' tender mercies if they start quizzin' me about my intentions." She laughed out loud. "Deal." ***** "So how did you and my sister meet?" Kim's twin brother, Ken asked, taking a sip of eggnog. The question made her look up from where she was helping her mom set the table for dinner. At John's scolding look she shrugged helplessly, but her eyes were twinkling. Promise or no promise, there was only so much she could do. "We ran into each other in the grocery store...literally," he admitted, with one last exasperated glance in her smirking direction. Watching the exchange, her brother laughed. "Believe it or not, I'm glad to hear that. It's nice to know Kimmy's finally making an effort to make some friends locally--we've been telling her for three years that she shouldn't have left DC if was going to spend all her time focusing on what she left behind." The ex-agent smothered a surprised laugh with a cough and the secretary ducked her head to let the curtain of her auburn hair hide a smile. Ken looked from one to the other. "Oh no...Kimmy, don't tell me..." Still grinning, she arranged one last place setting and crossed to the sofa where her brother was sitting. "Kenny, did I forget to mention John used to work for the Bureau out of DC?" The expression on his face couldn't seem to quite believe what it was hearing. "For God's sake, Kimmy--" "Don't you dare scold me, Ken--" she warned him with sparkling eyes. "It's Christmas Eve." He ducked his head in acknowledgment. "Consider it my Christmas gift to you, Sis." "If that's all you got me, Bro, you're the one who's going to have some explaining to do," she shot back merrily. The baby of the family, who had so far just been hovering with an impish look on his face, laughed out loud at this. "She's got you there, Kenny." "Shut up, Art," Ken threw back good-naturedly. Kim didn't fight the smile that spread over her face. This was the one regret she didn't have about coming home to Atlanta--being close enough to spend time like this with her family. God, she'd missed them. And no matter how much she'd worried about Walter during the years when she didn't know where he was or what he was doing, she'd always been grateful to him for that. She felt John's eyes on her and glanced over at him. He was watching the banter with a fond smile, and she wondered again how he could stand to be so close to home and so far away. It had made her even more determined to share her family with him. "Honestly," Mom's smile was as bright as her daughter's as she approached them with both hands on her hips. "It'll be a relief when David and Anne get here--he'll put the fear of God into you boys if nothing else does." Something like surprise flickered in John's face and Kim almost laughed aloud. Yes, sometimes it probably seemed like she had a never-ending supply of brothers. It seemed that way to her too, on occasion. But the advantage, of course, was that the only sister got treated like a princess when she wasn't being teased mercilessly. "David and Anne?" John echoed disbelievingly as she plopped down next to him on the couch. "My older brother and his wife...believe it or not, my /only/ other brother besides these two," she glared playfully at Ken and Art. "And the only one of the three with enough sense to get married and stop depending on me and Mom for all their decent meals." "I resemble that remark," Art teased, bending down to give his sister a kiss on the cheek. "Speaking of...hey, Mom, dinner gonna be ready any time soon?" Chapter 3 Snow. It should be snowing, Kim thought as she looked out miserably at the rain pounding the driveway of her mother's house into mud. The fleece pullover she was wearing was warm, especially under the leather jacket, but she still found herself shivering. Oh, God, why did she have to remember tonight? To remember the precarious edge the world was balanced on, an edge her family didn't even know about because she--the prized recruiter--hadn't found the courage to tell them? And of all reasons, why had a Christmas carol made her think of it? The house was quiet. The singing had died in confusion when she fled, but she couldn't yet force herself to go back in and face the puzzlement in their eyes. "You okay?" She'd known it was John the moment she heard the door close. Not that her brothers or Anne wouldn't have come after her, but knowing him he didn't give them the chance. She'd barely reached the edge of the porch herself when he followed. "I haven't told them," she confessed in a cracked voice. "I was afraid...afraid they wouldn't believe me. Or worse, that they'd be angry with me for believing it." He sighed behind her. "Yeah. I know what you mean. Why do you think I haven't been home since I got here?" She turned then, surprised by the guilt in his blue eyes. "Guess it was easier to let 'em believe I was still missing than try to face them with why I left the Bureau and went on the run after bein' the good little soldier my whole life." "Would your family really be that unforgiving?" she asked. John shook his head. "Nah. But that doesn't make it any easier, does it?" She blinked. "Oh." "There's nothin' wrong with treasurin' the time you've got, Kim. One good thing about knowin' the exact date when the shit's gonna hit the fan is we *know* how much time we've got." "Still...I owe them the truth." "Yeah, you do. And so do I. But not necessarily right this second." He took her hands between his. "It's Christmas. If you start gettin' down, remember this--the whole point of Christmas is that two thousand years ago a kid was born who'd grow up to save the whole world. Who knows, maybe history'll repeat itself." She smiled, burying herself gratefully in his embrace. "Thanks." "Anytime," was the soft reply. "But do ya mind if we go back in now? I'm gettin' wet just lookin' at that sky." Kim snickered. "I think I can handle that." John winked at her and, tucking her arm through the crook of his elbow, led her inside. Naturally, all eyes in the room--including David and Anne's kids--fixed on them the moment they closed the door behind them. "You okay, Kimmy?" Ken asked softly. She answered him with a warm smile. "Yeah, I'm okay." Reassured, her brother's eyes turned to mischief once more. "Good. Because at least in this house, there's no crying allowed under the mistletoe." "Under the WHAT??" Dismayed, Kim looked up and John's eyes followed hers. Oh God. How the hell had she forgotten that David always insisted on mistletoe? The entire family, even Mom, was smirking at them. "Well?" her older brother's tone held just the right note of challenge. Blushing furiously, she turned to face John. "Y'know, we got nobody to blame for this but ourselves, lettin' 'em draw their own conclusions," he murmured too softly for anyone else to hear. His mouth was twitching with the effort to hide a chagrined smile. "I know," she admitted. "You wanna really give 'em hell?" was the next conspiratorial question. Her eyes rose warily, but quickly became a reflection of the mischievous glint in his. "Oh, damn it, why not?" His smile broadening even more, John took her face in his hands, and leaned in to kiss her. The instant their lips touched, Kim felt herself melting into him. For one blissful instant, her heart stopped, then picked up again at a pace that felt like it'd come from an electric shock. If John Doggett's eyes or his voice were water to drown in, his kiss was like quicksand. Yet, at the same time, it was like air--as long as his mouth was on hers, she almost didn't need to breathe. Unfortunately, far too soon her lungs protested that they did, and she let go, trying to find her footing in a world that had suddenly been tilted on its side. Across from her, John sucked in a deep, shaking breath of his own. "Merry Christmas, Kim," he whispered. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Kim hurt all over. Her head pounded, her body ached, and moving made her want to scream. Oh God. She'd known the risks when she signed on, but still she'd never expected things to go so horribly, horribly wrong. She'd failed--not only had the men she was supposed to recruit already known, but they'd already chosen sides. Sold out the rest of the human race for the promise of their own survival just like other men had done fifty years ago. And not even the account of that first group's horrific death had been enough to dissuade them. Somewhere on the edge of consciousness she heard a door slam, and someone get to their feet. "David--" John's voice started. "Don't even try, you bastard." That was David's voice...oh, God, she hadn't heard him that angry since she'd called him crying because her prom date had dumped her alone downtown for refusing to sleep with him. "You're goddamned lucky I got here first, because last I heard Ken was looking for his shotgun and Art had offered to help him stock up on ammunition." Oh God...they were blaming John. She'd never told them, so they were blaming John. She had to speak up, had to defend him. So why wasn't anything coming out? "God, David, you know I never wanted her to get hurt." "How am I supposed to know that? Give me one good goddamned reason why I should trust you after what you did to my sister!" "I didn't do this to her...I would never do anything to hurt her on purpose, you know that." John sounded so broken. Why couldn't she speak up for him??? "I know no such fucking thing--I've known you since Christmas!" "You've known me since we were eight years old, damn it." Say what? "What the hell are you talking about?" "You're right about one thing--I haven't been completely honest with you. My name's John Doggett." It was suddenly silent, and Kim felt like sitting up in bed and screaming at both of them. They *knew* each other and John had never told her? When her brother finally spoke again, his voice was cold. "The John Doggett I remember was a bully." "If that's all you think I was, you've got a damned lousy memory," he shot back. There was another long silence, then David admitted, "No, that's not all you were." Silence again, then, "But that doesn't tell me who you are now. People change." "Oh, I've fuckin' changed all right. I've changed so goddamned much I'm not surprised you didn't recognize me. I lost my son, my wife, hell, my whole damn worldview...but everything I've gained, at least in the past year, is because of her." "My sister wouldn't have any reason to be in the path of a bullet--she's a secretary, not a goddamned agent. And since they say you brought her in...until you give me a damned good reason to blame someone else, as far as I'm concerned you did this to her. Especially now you tell me you've been lying to all of us about your name." Damn it, David, Kim cried silently, he didn't do this to me. I chose it. I chose it because I had to. "I never lied to her. She knew me long before I had any reason to hide who I was." "So you've got her lying to us for you...how is that not just as bad, if not worse?" She was almost screaming at him now, in her mind--David, shut up about things you don't understand. "Just give me one good reason--" "You want a good reason? You wanna know why I'd never hurt her?" In her mind's eye, she saw him going toe to toe with her brother. "Because no matter what we mighta told you, no matter what we mighta even believed at the time, that whole scene at Christmas wasn't an act. Because I love her, dammit. I love her so much I stop breathin' every time she does. I woulda given my life for her if I'd had any warning that bastard was gonna shoot her. So don't tell me you blame me for what happened to her, I got enough of that in here." That last was accompanied by the soft sound of him tapping his chest. Oh John... "You...couldna mentioned all that...when I was awake?" Shoving the heaviness that pulled at her away, Kim forced her eyes to open. "Kim..." David's face swam above hers, his hand tightening around one of her own. John hung back for a second, his face white with relief, and she reached for him with the other hand. Granted permission, he took it, squeezing gently so as not to make the IV line hurt worse. "David," she croaked, clinging to John as she turned to look at her brother. "Don't make accusations...about things you...couldn't possibly...understand." His grip tightened. "Then make me understand, Kimmy." "I will," she promised. And she would--she'd put it off too long and almost lost the chance. She wouldn't put it off anymore. "But not...now. Want to talk to John..." When David had reluctantly agreed to leave, John moved to her other hand, presumably so he could hold it as tightly as he was without worrying about needles. "Why didn't...tell me?" He laughed, his voice rough and raw. "Had this wild idea that if I never said anything, fate wouldn't take you away from me like it has with everyone else I've ever loved." She smiled even though it hurt. "Good to know...kiss wasn't...an act. Glad you're...not that good...an actor." His hand tightened even more on hers, but it didn't hurt. Everything else hurt, but in that particular extremity there was nothing but pure, emotion fueled adrenaline. "I should never have gotten you into this," he stated regretfully. "God...don't be...such a cliche." "Huh?" "Hero always...blames himself for...getting his girl hurt. Boring." John smiled despite obvious efforts not to. "We both know who...got me into this...wasn't you. You're...the thing I swore...I wouldn't trade." Kim blinked rapidly. Who knew it could take this much energy to stay awake? She was already fading... For a second, she could've sworn she saw him blink back tears. Then he leaned in, and placed a lingering kiss on her forehead. "You wanted me to say it while you're awake, so I'm sayin' it--I love you." She smiled up at him through heavy eyes. "Love you...too. Though...that doesn't mean...gonna let you get...away with not mentioning you...knew my brother." John chuckled. "Wouldn't dream of it." As she drifted off, she could've sworn she heard him whisper, "Get well soon...I got high hopes for pickin' up where we left off under the mistletoe...preferably before the world ends." Kim fell asleep smirking.